Help A Friend
We know it's not easy to talk about difficult situations but, the only way to know for sure if someone you know is being abused is to ASK.
What you can do:
A common myth about battered individuals is that they don't want to talk about their victimization. While many try to hide the battery, they do so because they fear being blamed, not being believed, or being pressured to do something they're not ready or able to do. Directly asking your friend in private, without judgment, and even without expectation that they will trust you enough to disclose, relieves them of the burden of coming forward on their own, and can tell them how much you care and are willing to help.
1
Assure them that the abuse is NOT their fault or their children’s fault. They did not cause the violence. No one deserves to be abused.
2
Educate yourself on the myths and facts about domestic violence. Gather information about local support programs like the YWCA for you and your friend.
3
LISTEN to your friend and BELIEVE what they tell you. Letting them know you care about them and will listen if they want to talk may be the best help you can offer.
4
Never underestimate the danger they are in. Domestic violence can result in serious physical injury or death. The most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is leaving an abusive relationship.
5
Help them think through steps they can take when their partner is abusive. Make a list of people they can call and places they can go in an emergency, including the YWCA confidential shelter. You can reach our 24-hour Crisis Line at (509) 326-CALL (2255) for more help.
6
If they plan to leave, suggest they put together and hide a suitcase of clothing, personal items, money, identification, social security cards, birth certificates, health insurance records, checkbooks, bank records, and other important documents for themselves and their children.
7
Let them know that they are not alone. Domestic violence happens to individuals of all income and educational levels, racial and ethnic origins, sex, religion, and age.
8
Allow them to express their feelings, do not try to remove or change them. It is common for victims to have conflicting reactions to abuse such as love and fear, guilt and anger, and hope and sadness. Let them know these feelings are normal.
9
You can't assume you know what’s best. Let them know you’ll support them no matter what they decide. Be helpful, be patient, and respect their decisions, even if you disagree.
10
Encourage them to make their own decisions. It is empowering to know that someone trusts your judgment. Help them think through different options, but allow them to evaluate and trust themselves to make the right choices.
11
Take care of yourself. Helping a friend in an abusive relationship is stressful and can leave you feeling drained and helpless. Look after your own physical and emotional well-being. Seek support for yourself to help you with your feelings, fears, frustrations, and reactions to the abuse.
12
Five Helpful Things to Say:
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I am afraid for your safety/life.
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I am afraid for the children's safety/life.
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It will only get worse.
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You deserve better.
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I will be here for you.
Recommended Readings
Safety Planning with Battered Women
By: Jull Davies, Eleanor Lyon, and Diane Monti-Catania
Think Re-Think: Women to Women Domestic Violence
By: Connie Burk of Northwest Network
To Be an Anchor in the Storm: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women
By: Susan Brewster
Trauma and Recovery
By: Judith Herman